Eddies

After I saw myself upon my back whispering, no longer able to rise

          I tried to think back to the days spent gurgling in my bassinet

But the sun got in my eyes and all I saw was the dusty road I traveled

Climbing upwards, I lost my balance and there came a defining instant:

          For just a moment I fell backwards and balanced weightlessly

Then forces slowly tipped me back to the rock face, never knowing why

I left the stream of refugees and hiked up behind some sheltering boulders

          I closed my eyes and sleep overcame me until the stars came out

Now below me all was quiet and above there were unknown constellations

There came a black wind from the west that set the crows to fleeing

          The wide stubbled field offered no shelter so I just laid face down

I passed away as slowly as the twilight in the land of the midnight sun

Having no other option he choked me to death with his calloused hands

          Realizing there was no surrender I struggled until darkness took me

So many things were left unsettled but there was nothing more to do

In the misty pre-dawn hour after a restless night a calming dream arrived

          Arising tired but not anxious I look about for my family

My old wounds throb lightly but the war is now far away

The sun came through the beech leaves in safe and gentle golden rays

          The children splashed on the beach at the edge of the mossy shore

My great aunt had watched me from this spot, was it just now or long ago?

She trustingly placed her muzzle upon my knee as I stroked her ear

          She did not move as the injection flowed into her muscle

She sighed just once and looked up at me and then she closed her eyes

Years later stepping off the merry go round I no longer walked straight lines

          I sat down on the corner heedless of the filthy pavement

Far off a screaming ambulance drowned out the peaceful church bells

Awakening full of sadness I reached out and you were still there

          I had imagined the infinite time after our final separation

Grateful tears filled my eyes over this briefest, sharpest moment

It rained all night and increased at dawn and it grew very hard to move

          The stone floor was cold and there was no light to feed the shadows

You could not find your thread and my two-day beard was very gray

I dreamed I awoke tired and fell back to sleep to dream of dreaming again

          She grasped my numb arm and whispered that her time had come

When I awoke I was briefly confused as to our orientation in the car

We sheltered upon a carpet of needles beneath a giant blue spruce tree

          The snow fell so deep we could no longer see back down the trail

Now and again the wind caused a great branch to creak somewhere above

As we drove past the endless old factories you began steadily withdrawing

          Trucks roared and men in faded work clothes leaned on their shovels

The vast indifference slowly smothered my nervous hopes and dreams

Thinking something crept beside me as I slept I lay very still and listened

          A car approached and a newspaper thudded upon the driveway

Slowly I realized that my opponent had simply vanished once again

There remained three of us beside the garbage and the wreckage

          We had cigarettes but none of us had smoked for years

My hands longed for the tools I had used every day for such a long time

The women and children fled to the church of their baptisms

          Their neighbors called them out one by one with raucous ethnic slurs

They laughed without malice at the pleading of the one remaining priest

That school year was finally over and I walked home in frank amazement

          I could not know then that this present could become so long ago

Though the pictures are often black and white, I felt only vivid colors then

As I tried to bring the huge salmon to shore I slipped upon a rounded stone

          I flopped upon my side and felt the cold water fill my waders

As the fish escaped I wondered if he would still have the strength to breed

As I rode through the intersection the car lunged out to make a turn

          I braked too hard and skidded the bike and it tossed me in the air

Just before I hit the fender I noticed the driver drop her cell phone

As I watched the smoke rise from the burning leaves I felt safe at last

          My pursuit had ended as quickly and pointlessly as it once began

I took her tiny hand after drawing her red coat together and we walked on

The pre-dawn rain tapped the metal roof with a million tiny velvet hammers

          Now and again a rolling thunderclap gurgled slowly from East to West

It took me far too long to respond to these subtle signs of a larger peace

The old day laborer told me stories of the village where his wife still lived

          Sometimes we drank beer in the cooling but tired twilight after work

Someday soon he might get his green card and things would get much better

A gnarled root flipped me flying headlong down the chute towards the trees

          As I twisted violently I struggled like an animal and not a philosopher

Crashing with my skis into a tree I had time to ask how it had come to this

I walked the holiday streets alone, without work in a strange and detached state

          I only observed this vast diorama but could take no part in it

Then the cheerful woman collecting donations restored me to my senses

After three beers and a couple cigarettes the situation did not seem so grim

          There were always other bad jobs in which to begin anew once again

Some I would be fired from and from the others I would simply walk away

Upon my return the trees that I planted had grown quite tall and straight

          To many of the people I was this new stranger there among them

For many months I did not grasp the importance of their daily concerns

Though it looked substantial the trail crumbled as I walked out upon it

          I slid sideways with sand up to my knees and felt it begin to move behind me

Accelerating I realized with fear that I would soon be falling thru the air

As we took a sharp corner the outer rear wheel came off the battered car

          Looking far down to the valley I did not see it smash out my window

As the driver fought for control I began to shout and choke an old Inca man

She showed me that she loved me in every way that she knew

          I spurned her with all the abiding hatred that I felt for myself

When she finally left it took years for me to simply accept the blame

The handgun did not frighten her as much as the wild look in his eyes

          She quickly rang up a No Sale and handed him the contents of the till

His pocked and skinny twisted face kept her from enjoying her favorite TV shows

Too much cheap whiskey and bad acid had turned his eye whites yellow

          Now the Meth drew his cheeks in upon his toothless gums

The oven in the modular was clean because they never cooked at all

After his trailer had burned down he decided he should go fishing

          He picked us up hitchhiking on the way to his favorite lake

We talked briefly and then decided that we should go and fish together

All through the long nights the nurses awoke her every couple hours

          In the feeble November dawn they cheerfully came to start her day

She said due to their regimen that she grew more tired all the time

I awoke quite sick in the middle of the night and shit my stinking guts out

          Then I lay in a cold sweat and could not find my peace

That morning I found to my surprise that I could no longer rise from the bed

As I worked, my mind was always drawn to a walk with a friend of mine

          The logic and the code and the walk on the shady path

Now I have forgotten that work but I remember well my preoccupation

  

As my slender brightly-painted bobber disappeared I moved too slowly

          My father calmly finished unhooking another bluegill

He out-fished me on that last trip but we all ate well, in any case

Tossing aside my sweaty gear I noticed I was sore through and through

          The snow had been very good for many years

But I knew that soon I would have to learn to let it fall without me

When the smelly little man left her alone she felt dirty and ashamed

          For years she kept quiet and blamed herself for his actions

One day she could not resist taking aside his young step-daughter

Stumbling as I ran away I fell with all my weight squarely on one knee

          I felt something shattering and then I came to rest

I lay where I had fallen among the gray and rounded river stones

With great relief she heaved her vast bulk upon the dingy couch

          Well-provisioned she took up the watch with her remote control

She briefly regained a form of consciousness during the commercials

Standing on the frozen playground we watched as a leaden sky slowly lowered

          Our playful kindergarten shouts were filled with happy anticipation

Very slowly the year’s first snow flakes began to descend in late October

She could not bear to let him go so she kept all of his things in place

          Often she was half-convinced that she would awake from this dream

She did not seek any deeper meaning but remained true to her grief

As he raised his fist to strike the burro once again I took his other hand

          He quickly glanced me over and then tossed me to the ground

Our children tried to remain very quiet through their useless tears

I never felt the nails and ball bearings pierce my chest but I felt the flash

          I had prayed to calm my fears as my cellphone triggered the blast

They identified me later by the body parts I did not need now in Heaven