The Lights Of Home

Sometimes I almost see them again like I did, from across our lake, driving back home at night

The kids all yelling while the dogs are jumping and her smile so warmly surrounding me

Keep stumbling back on those thousand little details I never really had time for, so long ago

Did not realize then how much a part of what I was, they really were

The lights of home that made things seem alright - not too bright but still so warm

It was so good to have somewhere to be, a place where they were always glad to see me

Funny how I could not see it so well back then, maybe it was all just too close for me to focus

Yeah, the many little things that made life worth living, each so small when viewed alone

Shutting down my old car once more, my hands all full, back safe in that little front yard

Tired but home again, where they knew me well and I could help out and not be in the way

The TV news on in the background, with all that crazy stuff we could always pretty much ignore

Sitting down once again at that old table, all together over supper, and what is going on?

I guess back then it didn’t take a lot to fill us up with a real sense of comfort and security

How good it was to have those lights that led me back to that warm, safe place every day

The details of our daily life grounding and protecting us from those clouds of dark confusion

The lights of home and knowing they were there, just down that old road to the quieter shore…

Prismatics

I looked down into the depths of that clear and moving water

I saw memories shimmering in and out of the past

I listened as gentle breezes carried the sounds of the woods

I heard echoes of other times returning from far down the canyon

I stroked the gnarly bark of an ancient evergreen

I felt the calm which flowed from far beneath its surface

I breathed deeply of the earth, moistened by the gentle rains

I smelled the smoky fires that once had kept us safe

I walked alone in wasted landscapes dressed in filthy rags

I paused in the meadow as you bent to pick some flowers

I worked with hateful strangers and counted each and every minute

I tried to hold onto every moment in which we sat in peace

I steeped in all the influences that droned on about me from all sides

I drew only upon the faint but clear light that I found within

I groped my way in the mists of the profoundest of confusion

I lost my sight while searching but began to gain a vision

I read of far off galaxies and creatures that lived long ago

I began to understand the anxiety which marked my whole life thru

I gazed upon the yellow aspen leaves as they trembled in the fall

I felt my spirit rise into the deep blue sky which framed them

I sensed the gentle return of Spring upon my cheeks and forehead

I no longer had a need to stare straight into the sun simply to be sure

I stumbled on the broadest trail in the clearest light of day

I fell alone but then arose to find you there and awaiting me

I could pay no attention to the slow marching of all the passing years

I found myself in ever greater debt to many I would never know

I watched the sun go slowly down and then quickly disappear

I noted with interest, but not sorrow, the lines upon my hands

I found quiet joy in the large snowflakes that fell slowly from all directions

I dreamed a robot said on TV that factory food was his home cooking

I grew stronger playing happily in the shade of those old trees

I grew old standing quietly, protecting others from the sun

I sold out to the unfaithful for little more than a song

I finally went quite bankrupt and gladly mortgaged just my soul

I watched the tiny wavelets produced by a pebble

I saw a young boy skipping stones on a glacial lake long ago

I noticed that it had grown quite late and the streets were very empty

I hurried ever onward but slowly realized that I was not sure of the way

I leaped wide from basic instincts to unsupported conclusions

I fell so far I had no more need of either reason or excuses

I listened as the crows gathered and each tried to talk at once

I heard but a single voice that was both calm and reassuring

I walked far up an unknown trail hoping just to find a quiet overlook

I turned that last corner just as the first raindrops began to fall

I spoke but little as the days grew short and their shadows lengthened

I told these simple stories that I did not understand and no one else could hear

I looked upon peaks buried deep in snow, glistening in the winter sun

I wished that I had seen them before all these tourists had arrived

I listened for the faint tinkling of the gentle rain upon the windows

I heard that old wooden clock still ticking somewhere in the past

I studied many subjects during long years spent at all those schools

I learned so slowly that I could know but little in my very short lifetime

I spoke out often and with vigor when things did not seem right

I kept to myself when I finally realized that it had the same effect

I traveled on for what seemed like ages as the years came and went

I had arrived at some point but, until much later, could not really notice

I dozed off many times to the sounds of a stream

I awoke from dreams of my own dreaming and I was vaguely uncertain

I created a rich inner life more enjoyable than the shared illusion of reality

I was molded day and night by the wills and choices of those I did not see

I sat quietly in the pre-dawn watching colors return to the countryside

I arose to plod through another day sharing this land of make believe

I went so far back through my life that there were no longer any memories

I concluded there must come another time like that, and it would begin very soon

I grew up with the security of the imagined wonders yet to come

I grew old in the comfort of my own refashioned memories

I imagined the world as it still might have become

I believed in a world as I wished it might have been

I listened attentively for sounds I thought I may have missed

I heard snatches of blissful silence punctured by their raucous outbursts

I set out on my way with trepidation, doubt and uncertainty many years ago

I traveled far with strangers and, happily, had no home to return to

I walked softly into the meadow with the sunrise at my back

I helped trample many of the finer things into the mud with my boots

I dismissed as unimportant their dogma that could have gained me success

I weaved odd snatches of facts into a threadbare cloak of illusion

I wished only to live peacefully, searching for a bit of quiet joy

I joined the hoarsely shouting throngs and raged uselessly, on a daily basis

I was filled with national pride and patriotism as a little boy

I grew ever more embarrassed and ashamed of what we had become

I saved as much as possible of my miserable take for those ‘golden years’

I saw my comrades gamble and waste but then demand bailouts and subsidies

I strolled through the shopping malls looking deeply into people’s faces

I noted the anger, fear, hurry, ignorance and greed in their gazes

I tried with all my being to understand and to make my peace

I only saw that it could make not any difference in 500 million years

I moved quickly and decisively through issues of consumerism

I observed a hairy caterpillar inch its way across a picnic table

I scanned the sky on clear nights for clues as to the mysteries

I found good evidence that we had wisely chosen to retain our blissful ignorance

A Fresh Water Home

there is a cottage on that lakeside where I swam so long ago

there came the smell of life from deep down within that lake

I had a glimpse of paradise where the bluegills lived among the pickerel weeds

I saw the sun from beneath the cool green water, with my cousins

I heard as wavelets lapped for a while when the breeze had stopped

I listened to the frogs all croaking where they were safe and wet

they said the lake was very deep and the water very good

they said fossil sand dunes still filtered the long rains of autumn

there is a dirt road down by the lake that is soft upon bare feet

there are large beech trees at the lakefront where the old folks sit

I felt the wind change late in August as the leaves began to show their bottoms

I felt at ease while swimming in that lake all those fish called home

I saw the starlight shimmer on the surface of the darkened water

I saw the joy upon the faces of the little kids as they splashed and played

I heard the fish as they were jumping and I saw the rings that spread

I heard the oar locks squeaking and the water dripping from their blades

I heard the water passing by as I swam beneath the surface

I heard the gentle tinkle when my head broke through the water

I knew that things made a wonderful and complex but, common sense

I knew the summer was nearly over when our lips began turning blue

I felt the lake touch me from the dock when there was no breeze

I felt the bluegill tugging when the hook caught in his mouth

there was a time on summer evenings when the lightning bugs emerged

there was a breeze that brought the sound of wavelets to a bunkbed

I was a boy who dreamed of fishing and swimming every day

I was a boy who played ditch'em in the hardwood hills behind the cottage

I felt the cool stone floor of the cottage on those rainy summer days

I felt the warmth of the fireplace my uncle had built in the swirling mist

I heard the tinkle of the raindrops from underwater when it was quite still

I heard the explosion of air in the water when I leapt from the dock

there is a road that is still not paved, and it stretches back to those days

there is a wondrous happiness in simply knowing that we were there

I saw the babies in their cribs and the calm old ones sitting quietly together

I saw light rays wiggle greenishly and geometrically down into that good water

I knew the lake would, of course, be preserved just as the trees would be left to grow

I knew the world was made to last for at least a million years

I touched the spongy moss and knew that it was good

I touched the surface of the lake and it clung to my finger

there is a twilight full of peace and the presence of the lake

there is that group of quiet children before the modern age

I helped put in the dock and float the raft in good time for memorial day

I helped dig the worms, bail the boat then caught and cleaned the fish

I saw the painted turtles with orange stripes on their faces

I heard the stories of all the people who were a part of that family

I was a man who once, thank god, came back to swim in that lake again

I was a man who was finally able to realize how lucky he had always been

Maybe Not Too Late

when I awoke and gasped for breath I struggled to remember

a thing that I had meant to do so long ago somewhere in the past,

some promise I had made, and I was drenched in icy sweat

now, how could I have forgotten, how could I have delayed

maybe, I thought, it's still not too late…

if I really try my best

maybe it's not too late for all those things I never did

for all the apologies I did not mean

all the places I have never been

perhaps not yet too late to search for

that which was so easily avoided for so long

still there may be time enough to craft myself that Happy Ever After

when I looked round with loudly beating heart

and breaths drawn quick and shallow with a buzzing in my ears

oh sweet jesus let it be...not yet too late for me

as I strive to remember all those things I absolutely cannot leave undone

the time for their completions, once so long and far away

it seems, may have somehow simply slipped away

should I fail to complete them, if their time has past

the meaning of the rest of me is certainly diminished

and the empty blackness will be my just and final state

when I awoke and cast about in fear and nervous tension

I sensed a trap I had not even seen

until it had grown well beyond very late

I looked about quite anxiously for help

but there were no grownups standing by

I felt so alone and frightened, how might this mistake have happened

quite late it seems, quite dark and still

but my sudden, yet far beyond tardy, urgency surges

maybe, oh please just maybe, let it be not already way too late, way too long ago for me

Riffs

As I stirred the fireplace embers I shivered once more in that bitter cold

The empty, hopeless sounds of frozen gray dawns again overwhelmed me

You placed a hand gently on my shoulder, asking when I would be to bed

After the explosion I lay deafened, curled up and unwilling to move again

After what seemed like minutes the wail of the sirens drew near

Your blood felt warm upon my skin in the bright winter sun of the desert

I nodded under the shade trees in the park during the balmy summer twilight

Snatches of long-forgotten conversations filled my head in brief, popping bubbles

At last I heard mothers calling all us kids home for supper

I would always dream I had skipped a very difficult class right up until finals week

Nonetheless I would not give up my plans for graduation

Sometimes I would let that rowdy boy laugh at the old fool he found himself within

As the rusty red sun rose again over gray streets, July lacked a purpose

Pulling on our dirty work clothes once more, we found it difficult to hurry

A tinny radio greeted us in the beat up old truck as the dog watched us go

She saw too much for many years working intake at the emergency room

She took care of others and watched herself as she let go

Just the same, she still remembered that young Nurse Nancy in her new white cap

As the hot, dry wind came up again I remembered rainy summer days

We were on call for heart attacks, drunks and motorcycle wrecks

As the tones vibrated me to my feet, briefly I recalled a dream that I had left

Laying in sweat and dirt under the car I thanked Jesus for his help, once again

It occurred to me that I would not reflect back upon this time with pleasure

I was fumbling blindly for a missing tool when I heard the children laugh at play

Long after my injury I tried to recall moving without first considering the pain

The neighbors often greeted me kindly as I slowly shuffled by

I wondered if my mind was as worn out as my body, but simply could not let me know

Though I was not affected by the layoffs I still found it difficult to sleep

I needed to reconsider family debt in this new and uncertain light

The sleepy boredom of my children helped calm me in the morning

Decades later they briefly visited us while comparing notes with each other

I felt uncomfortable and small in the presence of those brave foreign pilots

They had brought the war to this village that they could barely see from so far above

I felt I stood among them as they gazed down upon my broken body

I helped them to position me for treatment and turned on the oxygen

It was not until much later that they awoke me with the grinding pain

They kept fairly low profiles as they pulled strings and bought and sold

They paid off officials to rezone, built cheaply and congratulated each other

They did not begin to worry until their expensive tires were slashed again

He spent time cleaning up the riverside campsites that others left behind

The meadow was immaculate and pure but his clothes were torn and dirty

He often went for days on end without a decent media immersion

After the baby was born she tucked him in a discarded milk container

She was surprised and astonished upon delivering the afterbirth

Later that same day liberals heard the child’s weak cries from a green recycling bin

The intrepid, overweight hunter removed his glasses to use the rifle scope

The great bear skinned the giant salmon with his awful teeth

The fatal stroke had already claimed him but he reflexively pulled the trigger

He missed the camaraderie, the danger and the excitement of prison life

It was almost a relief when he was again convicted of assault and possession -

For no one but his jail posse could ever understand his life experience

I bookmarked my musings upon imagined slights and got up for the next big meeting

It was another make or break decision for which we must all get on board

Though my plate was full, I promised to stay on message with the take away

They surprised me as I ripped through their shit, looking for things to sell

The guy looked pretty scared but the woman screamed for my blood

I pulled up and twisted hard as my knife went to its hilt inside his stomach

Safely buzzed, I wasn’t tormented by the soft voices of our Ancient Ones

The merciless sun beat down on our government modular and our trash blew downwind

Dust clouds smudged the desert sky again as I returned with more cold beer

They worked me so hard I even dreamed about the problems they set before me

Though I achieved the certificate, I remembered clearly my many weaknesses

It was like that many years later when I would often dream of dying

I bade them fix the books with a wink and a nod which made me rich

Later I convinced myself that I honestly said I had no knowledge of their fabrications

Council advised me to say only how eagerly I looked forward to clearing my name

I was overturned and swimming before I had the slightest inkling

As I fought for the surface the current washed me into a quiet eddy

In that brief transcendent moment, I needed consider nothing else

Eddies

After I saw myself upon my back whispering, no longer able to rise

          I tried to think back to the days spent gurgling in my bassinet

But the sun got in my eyes and all I saw was the dusty road I traveled

Climbing upwards, I lost my balance and there came a defining instant:

          For just a moment I fell backwards and balanced weightlessly

Then forces slowly tipped me back to the rock face, never knowing why

I left the stream of refugees and hiked up behind some sheltering boulders

          I closed my eyes and sleep overcame me until the stars came out

Now below me all was quiet and above there were unknown constellations

There came a black wind from the west that set the crows to fleeing

          The wide stubbled field offered no shelter so I just laid face down

I passed away as slowly as the twilight in the land of the midnight sun

Having no other option he choked me to death with his calloused hands

          Realizing there was no surrender I struggled until darkness took me

So many things were left unsettled but there was nothing more to do

In the misty pre-dawn hour after a restless night a calming dream arrived

          Arising tired but not anxious I look about for my family

My old wounds throb lightly but the war is now far away

The sun came through the beech leaves in safe and gentle golden rays

          The children splashed on the beach at the edge of the mossy shore

My great aunt had watched me from this spot, was it just now or long ago?

She trustingly placed her muzzle upon my knee as I stroked her ear

          She did not move as the injection flowed into her muscle

She sighed just once and looked up at me and then she closed her eyes

Years later stepping off the merry go round I no longer walked straight lines

          I sat down on the corner heedless of the filthy pavement

Far off a screaming ambulance drowned out the peaceful church bells

Awakening full of sadness I reached out and you were still there

          I had imagined the infinite time after our final separation

Grateful tears filled my eyes over this briefest, sharpest moment

It rained all night and increased at dawn and it grew very hard to move

          The stone floor was cold and there was no light to feed the shadows

You could not find your thread and my two-day beard was very gray

I dreamed I awoke tired and fell back to sleep to dream of dreaming again

          She grasped my numb arm and whispered that her time had come

When I awoke I was briefly confused as to our orientation in the car

We sheltered upon a carpet of needles beneath a giant blue spruce tree

          The snow fell so deep we could no longer see back down the trail

Now and again the wind caused a great branch to creak somewhere above

As we drove past the endless old factories you began steadily withdrawing

          Trucks roared and men in faded work clothes leaned on their shovels

The vast indifference slowly smothered my nervous hopes and dreams

Thinking something crept beside me as I slept I lay very still and listened

          A car approached and a newspaper thudded upon the driveway

Slowly I realized that my opponent had simply vanished once again

There remained three of us beside the garbage and the wreckage

          We had cigarettes but none of us had smoked for years

My hands longed for the tools I had used every day for such a long time

The women and children fled to the church of their baptisms

          Their neighbors called them out one by one with raucous ethnic slurs

They laughed without malice at the pleading of the one remaining priest

That school year was finally over and I walked home in frank amazement

          I could not know then that this present could become so long ago

Though the pictures are often black and white, I felt only vivid colors then

As I tried to bring the huge salmon to shore I slipped upon a rounded stone

          I flopped upon my side and felt the cold water fill my waders

As the fish escaped I wondered if he would still have the strength to breed

As I rode through the intersection the car lunged out to make a turn

          I braked too hard and skidded the bike and it tossed me in the air

Just before I hit the fender I noticed the driver drop her cell phone

As I watched the smoke rise from the burning leaves I felt safe at last

          My pursuit had ended as quickly and pointlessly as it once began

I took her tiny hand after drawing her red coat together and we walked on

The pre-dawn rain tapped the metal roof with a million tiny velvet hammers

          Now and again a rolling thunderclap gurgled slowly from East to West

It took me far too long to respond to these subtle signs of a larger peace

The old day laborer told me stories of the village where his wife still lived

          Sometimes we drank beer in the cooling but tired twilight after work

Someday soon he might get his green card and things would get much better

A gnarled root flipped me flying headlong down the chute towards the trees

          As I twisted violently I struggled like an animal and not a philosopher

Crashing with my skis into a tree I had time to ask how it had come to this

I walked the holiday streets alone, without work in a strange and detached state

          I only observed this vast diorama but could take no part in it

Then the cheerful woman collecting donations restored me to my senses

After three beers and a couple cigarettes the situation did not seem so grim

          There were always other bad jobs in which to begin anew once again

Some I would be fired from and from the others I would simply walk away

Upon my return the trees that I planted had grown quite tall and straight

          To many of the people I was this new stranger there among them

For many months I did not grasp the importance of their daily concerns

Though it looked substantial the trail crumbled as I walked out upon it

          I slid sideways with sand up to my knees and felt it begin to move behind me

Accelerating I realized with fear that I would soon be falling thru the air

As we took a sharp corner the outer rear wheel came off the battered car

          Looking far down to the valley I did not see it smash out my window

As the driver fought for control I began to shout and choke an old Inca man

She showed me that she loved me in every way that she knew

          I spurned her with all the abiding hatred that I felt for myself

When she finally left it took years for me to simply accept the blame

The handgun did not frighten her as much as the wild look in his eyes

          She quickly rang up a No Sale and handed him the contents of the till

His pocked and skinny twisted face kept her from enjoying her favorite TV shows

Too much cheap whiskey and bad acid had turned his eye whites yellow

          Now the Meth drew his cheeks in upon his toothless gums

The oven in the modular was clean because they never cooked at all

After his trailer had burned down he decided he should go fishing

          He picked us up hitchhiking on the way to his favorite lake

We talked briefly and then decided that we should go and fish together

All through the long nights the nurses awoke her every couple hours

          In the feeble November dawn they cheerfully came to start her day

She said due to their regimen that she grew more tired all the time

I awoke quite sick in the middle of the night and shit my stinking guts out

          Then I lay in a cold sweat and could not find my peace

That morning I found to my surprise that I could no longer rise from the bed

As I worked, my mind was always drawn to a walk with a friend of mine

          The logic and the code and the walk on the shady path

Now I have forgotten that work but I remember well my preoccupation

  

As my slender brightly-painted bobber disappeared I moved too slowly

          My father calmly finished unhooking another bluegill

He out-fished me on that last trip but we all ate well, in any case

Tossing aside my sweaty gear I noticed I was sore through and through

          The snow had been very good for many years

But I knew that soon I would have to learn to let it fall without me

When the smelly little man left her alone she felt dirty and ashamed

          For years she kept quiet and blamed herself for his actions

One day she could not resist taking aside his young step-daughter

Stumbling as I ran away I fell with all my weight squarely on one knee

          I felt something shattering and then I came to rest

I lay where I had fallen among the gray and rounded river stones

With great relief she heaved her vast bulk upon the dingy couch

          Well-provisioned she took up the watch with her remote control

She briefly regained a form of consciousness during the commercials

Standing on the frozen playground we watched as a leaden sky slowly lowered

          Our playful kindergarten shouts were filled with happy anticipation

Very slowly the year’s first snow flakes began to descend in late October

She could not bear to let him go so she kept all of his things in place

          Often she was half-convinced that she would awake from this dream

She did not seek any deeper meaning but remained true to her grief

As he raised his fist to strike the burro once again I took his other hand

          He quickly glanced me over and then tossed me to the ground

Our children tried to remain very quiet through their useless tears

I never felt the nails and ball bearings pierce my chest but I felt the flash

          I had prayed to calm my fears as my cellphone triggered the blast

They identified me later by the body parts I did not need now in Heaven