Saving Grace

Tomorrow's come a long, long way to help you, Yes, it's your saving grace… Steve Miller

Whenever I came to the thought that I had at last seen way too much

          There was still her calm voice that just would not let me go

All those times it seemed too hard to stand tall for just another hour

          That wordless patience and her kindness, from somewhere, reappeared

When the darkness fell upon me and there was nowhere I could turn

          Came to me finally carrying gentle slumber and awoke me feeling better

In the grim silence that no one else could open

          A gentle nuzzle reminded me of the man I had to be

When I sat, head in hands, alone and full of empty desolation

          She came quietly and patiently, her hand softly on my knee  

As I thrashed about in the anger at all my waste and confusion

          I did not rely upon her presence and never realized what it meant

Despite my dirt and noise, sins, failings, mistakes and omissions

          Somehow that gentle quiet north light never left me for very long

In the great rush at foolishness that was the brief passing of my life

          It took too long for me to see her grace so perfect, yet only behind the scenes

Against all the odds and the heat, dust and the never-ending shouting

          Nonetheless, in interludes of quiet one knew, her gentle strength existed

Through all the years of stubbornness at the ignorance and destruction

          One sweet chord would always resonate when things were in their places

Looking back through memories windows now I see that light fell gently thru

          Hurrying in my pride I struggled and I floundered and she saw it all again

When it all turned black and I lost faith in everything, but mostly in myself

          Later came a feeling that was not a thought and a hope not born of reason

Awakened, as I often was, from restless dreams of my many failures

          A gentle presence glided in just before the morning birds began to call

Often when I summed up to little, the events and actions of my life, she came

          Asking nothing from me, saying nothing to me, quiet, yet so complete

Charging forward to unknown destinations, cursing myself and the world

          Never realizing the quiet web she spun so lightly all around me

Howling out my isolation in cold and bitter emptiness, I sometimes wept

          Now I am ashamed that my needless blasphemies broke her blessed stillness

Full of toxic hubris, I plunged on alone through my private weeds

          A sad, faint smile played upon her face, for she had seen it all before

Wasting time and resources and making lots of noise, I groped so blindly on

          Even then, for brief quiet moments, I caught glimpses of a different way

For many years as I wandered that knife edge of self-destruction

          She bore silent witness that I had learned nothing from other’s failures

Whirling like a nervous dervish and kicking up the dust, so I passed my life

          Believing that her scattered images were the only illusions that I held

Often would I try and escape through drugs and mindless recreation

          And she would merely remain in silence, waiting off at some safe distance

As I trampled mindlessly on things beautiful that did not defend themselves

          She stood in sadness to see if I, like others, would slip away in blindness

Sometimes when I could see no cause to find hope in my endeavors

          Later there would come a peaceful merest stirring of gentle leaves

Now I just hope I can restore bits of what I have broken and thrown away

          Maybe remain quiet sometimes, instead of always shouting hoarsely

And these days when it gets too noisy and acrid smoke is choking me

          At least now I finally see the uselessness of the silly rage that fills me

Seeing so much precious time gone by in empty bitterness brings tears to my eyes

          But I am sure that in all her grace and mercy, I need not be forgiven

Coming To

All my life, they were always there to help me as I struggled by

          And I kept on wildly thrashing, out into the weeds, far from any path

All those times they gave to me, many things I did not earn or deserve at all

          Still I never thought of joining them, to become a human being

Everywhere I traveled, people took me in and helped to clean me up

          I thought that I was thankful then, but now it simply brings me tears

Every time I took a new step, someone was there to help me with my fall

          But I believed I made my own way, asking nothing and with no help at all

Anything that I accomplished, someone stood quietly behind my shoulder

          Yet I blundered on, macho pride pulled down tight, across my eyes

All the things I read were gifts I ripped opened and then quickly cast aside

          And I thought that I was filling some kind of void with a congealing wisdom

All my life my debts increased as I made messes, everywhere I went

          I ragged upon our foolish leaders and I ignored those who kept things going

All those times they picked me up when I ran off blindly, then fell down

          And I only looked for the selfish lesson, as I hurried off once again

Everywhere I went it seemed I made a comfortable and easy living

          I never questioned the poverty and suffering that I saw all around me

Every time I made more new friends I had already cast aside the old

          Now, sometimes, I sit alone and wonder how they all have been

Anything at which I did not succeed was no real fault of mine

          My old attitudes are far more painful now, than those simple failures

All the things that I relied upon came from the invisible work of others

          Though far too late, I wish now to thank all those who came before me

All my life I broke unspoken promises and walked away from silent vows

          Yet somehow an unearned love at last began to open up my eyes

Far too often I took too much and threw away the spoiled remains

          Now I find a simple pleasure in the repair and use of castoffs

Everywhere I traveled gentle music played somewhere off in the background

          But I never took the time to stop and listen, with all of those good people

Every time I began to find a home I made new plans and simply drove away

          Now I wonder at my actions just as others did so long ago

Anything I finished I laid upon my own wondrous brightness

          But I merely perched in blindness upon the works of others

All the things I took for granted came with huge bills that I never saw

          These great debts I have accrued have now brought a poverty to my soul

All my life good people of quiet faith were always there to bail me out

          I never really saw them as they shook their heads in silent patience

All those times I only ranted over the stupidity, greed and waste I saw

          They just went on with the work that kept the wheels on our world

Everywhere I landed there were those who took the time to do things right

          Incorrectly, I thought them docile pawns of the fools who were in charge

Every time I lay upon the ground I saw only futility in their tireless efforts

          At last I grasp the great necessity of the endless, hopeless struggle

Anything I simply took for granted really took more effort than I was worth

          At least now I can work a while to pay off a bit of my debt of shame

The voices that now calm me, I did not have the time to listen to, way back then

          I wonder at the willful ignorance from which I may at last be emerging

All my life the work I did was based not on giving, but on taking

          Finally I stumble to the service of that which has quietly sustained me

All those times I weaved blindfolded, tottering across unknown landscapes

          I struggle with the memory of the dead zone that always expanded all around me

Everywhere I left my mark, good people stood and shrugged their shoulders

          Now I, too, cannot understand but then, I did not even know enough to try

Every time I grew too hateful, their calming aura drew me from the brink

          Finally I simply try to add a tiny phrase to that peaceful chorus

All the people that I never noticed were so puzzled as I blundered by

          Now, I often sit and shake my head, as if coming to from some harsh blow